Tuesday, April 28, 2009
"amanda feels like a failure. maybe its because she is."
Failure? YEAH.
i barely passed bio. and i can say i actually did study. i studied damn hard. i could almost memorise the whole damn chapter. and the thing is that i could actually understand. but then no matter how hard i work, i cant even get the results i want? and chem test, chem prac and physics pop quiz. why?
am i that dumb?
and all this tests keep coming. and every time i get back a test that i am not satisfied with, ill tell myself,
ill work harder. but then what happens? even is i study harder, work harder, i cant get the results i want. and the worst thing ptm's in a 2 weeks time. what am i going to tell my parents? will they even understand in the first place? will they even know that ive worked hard and tell me to work harder? or scold me and tell me that i aint good enoug. they'll question me; asking why i couldnt be some kid who aces every test? who have a straight A record and a gpa of 4? just because others can achieve it why cant i?
You are on a pair or rollerblades. you trip over sth and then you fall down. hard. and you've scraped your knee. but you fight back and slowly get back up with your hands supporting you. but every time you managed to stand up straight. somebody comes along and push you down again. and you injure yourself again. again and again. and you've covered bruises and cuts. and you feel that you dont want or have to strength to stand up again. but then you always know you'll have to stand up and start rollerblading again if not you'll always remain in that same exact spot where you've started with. but you dont have any strength or will to carry on.
and that's how i feel when i get back every test. every pop quiz. every assignment.
God, give me the strength to carry on; ive fallen hard.